Set Boundaries

When you think about it, your physical environment has all kinds of boundaries, like walls, fences, and "No Trespassing" signs. These are there for a reason. For example, the barbed wire fence around a nuclear power plant is for your safety-it keeps you from accidentally walking into a dangerous area.

Just like these physical boundaries, emotional and spiritual boundaries are also important for protection, though they aren't always as visible. It can be tough to set these boundaries and even tougher to enforce them without feeling like you're being mean. But setting boundaries is an act of kindness.

When you set a boundary, you are taking care of your own needs, wants, and feelings. This doesn't mean you ignore other people's issues; it just means you're not responsible for fixing them. The Bible's book of Galatians says, "You are responsible to others but for yourself." To understand this better, imagine the O'Rileys, a loving family with a son named James who has been expelled from school and has a drug problem. If the O'Rileys take full responsibility, they might enroll him in another school and pay his fines, but this doesn't help James solve his problems. Instead, they need to support him and guide him toward solving his issues. By setting these boundaries, they are helping themselves and James. So, setting boundaries is not just about taking care of yourself-it's also a way to show love to others.

It's Not Just About Saying "No"

You might be thinking, "I'm assertive and can say no without hesitation. So, I don't have an issue with boundaries." However, boundary issues can show up in different ways. Most people think of "boundary problems" as being a doormat-someone who can't say no and is taken advantage of. But there are other types of boundary issues. For instance, you might be an avoidant. Imagine a boundary as a fence. Avoidants build their fences so high to keep out the bad stuff that they also keep out the good. They find it hard to let others in or ask for help, even when they need it.

You might also be a controller. Just because people don't overstep your boundaries doesn't mean you're not crossing theirs. If you're the boss who sends work emails on weekends or the friend who doesn't take no for an answer, you could be a controller. Controllers create relationships based on fear and guilt, which can leave them feeling unloved. Another type is the nonresponsive. Nonresponsives avoid dealing with others' problems and might say things like "Tough luck" when someone comes to them for help. This makes it hard for others to get close to them. Boundary issues come in many forms! So even if you're not a doormat, you might still have boundary problems.

Don't fall for common misconceptions about healthy boundaries

What's stopping you from setting healthy boundaries that help both you and others thrive? You might think that setting boundaries is selfish or goes against your faith. For example, Christians might worry that boundaries contradict the Bible's teaching that "how well they love others is a hallmark of Christ's followers."But loving yourself is also important, and setting boundaries is a key way to do that. The idea that boundaries are selfish is simply a myth.

When you start setting boundaries, you might face some myths and misconceptions. For instance, you might think that boundaries hurt others. In reality, if setting a boundary causes hurt, it's the relationship's fault, not the boundary itself. For example, if you decide not to babysit for your friend every week, and they get upset and stop talking to you, you haven't hurt them. They are being unreasonable. If the relationship can't handle boundaries, it might not be worth keeping.

Another myth is that people set boundaries out of anger. You might feel anger when you set boundaries, but that anger is about the hurt from violated boundaries. Many people hide their feelings of hurt and anger from boundary violations. When you start setting boundaries, this anger can come out. Boundaries help you deal with these feelings. Some people think that boundaries are permanent. But boundaries aren't always forever. For example, asking your mom to stop giving parenting advice doesn't mean you won't see her again.

Establish Healthy Boundaries

Before you feel comfortable asserting boundaries, you might quietly accept when others cross them. Maybe you think, "Carole always asks me to babysit last-minute, but that's just her way." Or "Lin always puts me down in front of his friends. He's just joking, though." Over time, you'll start to feel resentful. This feeling tells you that your boundaries have been ignored too many times. It's unpleasant but serves as a sign that you need to pay attention. Listening to this feeling is the first step towards a life with healthy boundaries.

Dealing with controllers or manipulators can be tough. They won't take no for an answer when they want to use you. Their persistence can feel addictive, making you feel needed and important. In contrast, friends who respect your boundaries won't create this same intense feeling. But as you begin to establish healthy boundaries, you'll naturally seek out these respectful relationships. The next step involves learning to value and care for yourself, which also means honoring what you believe God has given you. When your boundaries are repeatedly violated, you may not treat yourself with the care and respect you deserve. Learning to appreciate yourself is crucial in this journey.

Afterward, you'll become more comfortable setting small boundaries and adjusting personal ones that don't benefit you. You might ask your spouse to share dishwashing duties or accept help from a friend at a dinner party. By practicing with these smaller boundaries, you'll gain confidence in setting larger ones. Ultimately, you'll come to cherish your healthy boundaries for the freedom and respect they bring into your life.

Boundaries are first taught to us by our families

If you often feel down and insecure after being with family or find yourself sacrificing your partner's interests to please your parents, you might have boundary issues. These problems often stem from what we learn about boundaries in our families while growing up. Whether you're always advising your parents or relying on them for every little problem, you're likely repeating patterns from childhood. If your family didn't set clear limits or enforced them too strictly, that probably influences how you handle limits now. Similarly, if your family avoided confronting problems or didn't give consequences for bad behavior, you might carry that into your adult life.

To break free from these unhealthy patterns, start by pinpointing where you've lost control of your own needs. Ask yourself why you prioritize your mother's needs over your own or expect your father to solve all your problems. Understanding these motivations helps you change your behavior. Next time someone crosses your boundaries, try responding instead of reacting impulsively. Reacting often leads to forgetting your boundaries, especially if they aren't well-established. When you respond calmly, you can assess the situation before acting. Dealing with a family member who repeatedly ignores your boundaries can be tough. They might not need to remain in your life, but it's important to forgive them. Holding onto resentment ties you to them. Forgiveness brings freedom.

Boundaries in Marriage

Boundaries are important. Setting and respecting boundaries isn't just a way to take care of yourself-it also helps you care for others. Healthy and lasting relationships rely on boundaries. But what about marriage? You and your spouse are in love and share everything, so you might think boundaries aren't necessary. But they are. Boundaries are a loving gift to both you and your partner. Healthy boundaries are the key to a fulfilling romantic relationship.

When boundaries are ignored, problems can arise. Take the case of Rosario and her husband Jim. Rosario believes Jim drinks too much. When she asks him to stop, he doesn't listen. She says, "When you drink, I feel like you don't care about me and the children." But this is a problem. Rosario is speaking for Jim, assuming what he feels. Instead, she should own her feelings by saying, "When you drink, I feel scared and alone." This is a healthier way to express her concerns.

Own Desires and Limits

It's also important to own your desires. Andrea has a demanding job and often brings work home, which frustrates her partner Caroline. Caroline wants to spend time with Andrea, but Andrea needs to catch up on work. Neither is at fault; they simply have different needs. Caroline can take ownership of her feelings by asking Andrea to set aside a few work-free evenings each week so they can both be happy.

Finally, owning your limits is crucial. Raphael loves DIY projects around the house and often gets Julie to help on weekends. Julie, however, wants to spend her weekends painting, but can't because she's always helping Raphael. The problem is Julie hasn't set a boundary. There are limits to how much you can give without losing yourself. If you don't recognize these limits, resentment builds up. Each of these couples has issues, but the solution is the same: they need to establish, respect, and maintain boundaries.

Healthy Boundaries in Friendships

Setting boundaries in friendships is just as crucial as it is in relationships with family or partners. When you can tell your spouse or family to respect your limits but struggle with friends, it's a problem. Friendships without clear boundaries can lead to problems. Imagine two friends, Tom and Andy. They always try to please each other, but this can backfire. For instance, they might both agree on plans they don't prefer, like hiking instead of going to a concert they both wanted to attend. This happens because they avoid being honest about what they want.

Another scenario is when a compliant friend like Becky deals with a controlling friend like Soon-Yi. Soon-Yi pushes Becky around, manipulating her into canceling plans or doing things she doesn't want to do. This makes Becky feel used and unhappy. It might seem like Soon-Yi is the problem, but Becky hasn't spoken up about how she feels. If Becky tells Soon-Yi how her behavior affects their friendship, Soon-Yi might not realize she's causing harm. This could help Soon-Yi become a better friend. Without boundaries, both compliant and controlling friends can cause trouble in friendships. It's not about being a bad friend; it's about learning to respect each other's needs and feelings.

Workplace Boundaries

Ahmed has a strong reputation at work. He's known as a reliable team player who always goes above and beyond, even if it means working late nights and weekends. While this benefits his professional life, it's damaging his family life. Ahmed believes the problem is his inability to say no, but his wife, Julia, has a different view. She thinks Ahmed is good at saying no-just not at work. He's better at setting boundaries at home than at the office. Ahmed needs to realize that boundaries are just as important at work as they are at home.

Personal boundaries are crucial in the workplace as well. The pressure to prove yourself can lead you to ignore your limits at work. But even in a professional setting, it's important to set boundaries. Here are some common mistakes people make when it comes to work and boundaries: One mistake is being over-responsible. This means you're constantly taking on tasks that aren't yours because you're afraid others' mistakes will reflect badly on you. If this sounds familiar, step back and focus on your responsibilities instead of trying to do everyone else's. Another mistake is overworking-taking on more than you can handle. If you're always putting in extra hours, the issue isn't just yours-it's your boss's failure to manage the workload effectively. Don't accept more work than you can reasonably manage.

Balance in the Workplace

Coworkers can also be a problem. Dealing with someone who is always critical can be stressful, but remember that their negative attitudes are their own. You can address the issue if needed, but you don't own their problems. Finally, remember to keep a boundary between work and home. Leave work stress at work and home stress at home. Work is endless, but your time is not. If you can't say no to work, you're saying no to the things that make life enjoyable.